28 years ago, I witnessed a miracle!

On April 7th, 28 years ago, my twins Joshua and Jenna were born!  I consider their birth a miracle as they were born two months early and survived the ordeal of being preemies.  Even though they are both married and have lives of their own, I still remember the day they were born as if it were yesterday.  Joshua was born first at 10:00 p.m. and Jenna was born seven minutes later at 10:07.  By the way, Josh will always remind you that he was born first.

Jenna Elizabeth Haney

Joshua Alden Haney

Josh and Jenna were born on April 7 1987, at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Provo, Utah.  My husband Brad was finishing up his Accounting degree at BYU.  They were born 10 days before he graduated.  Perfect timing!  My parents were living in Tempe, Arizona and came up to visit their new grand babies.

I LOVE this picture of me and my mom holding Jenna!

Look at this CUTE picture of Brad holding Josh!

I remember after the twins spent three weeks in the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit), the nurse told me, "You can come to the hospital and take your babies home!"  I remember feeling a little scared, but knew that this new journey in my life would be exciting, fun, and exhausting!  (Believe me, sleep deprivation was a whole new experience for me!)

My mom would always say, "Time flies by on the wings of lightning."  This statement is so true.  Before you know it, your kids are gone and faded memories become the present.  I feel so blessed to have started the journey of motherhood with TWO!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH AND JENNA!!

Josh and Lisa

Carson, Dillon, Clara, Jenna, and Audrey

The Child Who Doesn't Eat Fruits and Vegetables

Over the next few weeks, I want to elaborate on different eating issues that our children might be experiencing.  Even though my mom was the best cook EVER, there were certain foods that I wasn't even going to think about eating.  I will never eat a lima bean or stuffed green pepper. To this day, I would seriously rather do my taxes than eat certain vegetables or fruits.  But that's ok!  Just like most of us, I survived my childhood without eating green peppers and lima beans.

The following research is based from The Ellyn Satter Institute and the information is presented to you unchanged. Hopefully, you will find this information helpful the next time your child secretly feeds their vegetables or fruits to the family dog!

According to the Satter, "Some children don't eat vegetables; others don't eat fruit.  Still others don't eat either!  If your child turns down either, or both, you are likely to be concerned because you have learned that they are important. First of all, relax.  Fruits and vegetables carry the same nutrients, so a child can be well-nourished on either.  Second, back off.  Pressure - even nice pressure such as bribes and cheerleading doesn't help. Your child thinks, "if they have to do all that to get me to eat it, it can't be good."  Third, enjoy the food yourself.  It may take years, but sooner or later, your child will learn to like the foods you enjoy.  Keep in mind the word is enjoy.  If you force food down because it is good for you, your child will know that and not learn to like it.

Get started with family meals, if you aren't having them already.  Maintain a division of responsibility in feeding. (You can learn about division of responsibility in feeding in my prior blog.)

Keep these thoughts and strategies in mind about your child's learning to enjoy vegetables and fruits (as well as other unfamiliar foods):

• Observe.  Your child sneaks up on new foods:  He looks and helps you cook but doesn't eat, he watches you eat it but doesn't eat it himself, he puts it in his mouth and takes it out again.
• Interpret.  Your child is learning to like new foods, not turning them down.
• Persist.  Most children and grownups learn to like new food after they have done the sneaking-up bit 15 or 20 times - or more!  Most cooks give up on a food after three turn-downs.
• Flavor.  Tone down strong tastes with salt, fat, sauces, bread crumbs, herbs and spices."

Carson eating his favorite banana flavored snow! 

Why won't my child eat their meals?

We've all been there. Trying to feed a family with five kids is like trying to figure out how to pay off the national debt.  I'm serious.  One of my kids will say, "That's my favorite meal!" and the other will say "I'm really not that hungry."  And it goes on and on!  At times, it can be very frustrating  for a parent to know how much or whether their child will eat food at mealtimes.  As a parent, we want our children to eat healthy and finish all the food we place on their plate.  I think that's also called "wishful thinking."  However, according to Ellen Satter, MS, RD, LCSW, BCD an internationally authority on eating and feeding, we can learn how to feed our infants and children of all ages.  I was amazed while attending college when I first read one of Ellen Satter's research papers.  I was thrilled to know that all those peas and carrots my kids left behind wasn't so bad after all!  According to Satter, I would like to discuss the meaning of  Division of Responsibility in feeding our children.

At times, it can be very frustrating for a parent to know how much or whether their child will eat food at mealtimes.  When it comes to feeding, there is a division of responsibility between the parent and child.  A child will naturally know the right amount of food to eat.  They know how much to eat to grow up and get the body that is right for them, learn to enjoy food their parents eat, and learn to have manners at the dinner table.  However, as parents we must too be responsible to help our child have good eating habits.

To help a child eat well, parents must first decide what a good meal to prepare is.  Preparing meals that you enjoy cooking and that everyone will be pleased with is a good start.  A meal might include four or five food choices that are different in variety, something completely different than you would normally eat, and including a food item that most family members enjoy, such a bread.  Also, don't prepare a second meal if your child does not like the one at hand.  Second, parents need to make sure that their child is eating at the proper time.  If a child becomes hungry between meals, she can have a sit down snack accompanied with water, but an all day access to food is not recommended.  Third, even at the age of 15 months old, a child can know where to sit at the family table and enjoy the company of family and friends.  By seeing her parents or adults eating a variety of tasty foods, she too through examples of others can slowly learn to be an efficient eater and learn how to properly behave and eat. Overall, it is necessary to take responsibility in feeding a child through what, where, and when we feed them.  Through these actions, a child will know how much and whether to eat.

I thought it would be handy if I included an exact outline of Ellen Satter's Division of Responsibility.

According to Satter, "Children develop eating competence step-by-step throughout the growing-up years when they are fed according to a stage-appropriate division of responsibility.  At every stage, parents take leadership with feeding and let the child be self-directed with eating."

The division of responsibility for infants:

• The parent is responsible for what.
• The child is responsible for how much (and everything else).

Parents choose breast- or formula-feeding, help the infant be calm and organized, then feed smoothly paying attention to information coming the baby about timing, tempo, frequency, and amounts.

The division of responsibility for older babies making the transition to family food.

• The parent is still responsible for what, and is becoming responsible for when and where the child is fed.
• The child is still and always responsible for how much and whether to eat the foods offered by the parent

Based on what the child can do, not how old, s/he is, parents guide the child's transition from nipple feeding through semi-solids, then thick-and-lumpy food, to finger food at family meals.

The division of responsibility for toddlers through adolescents.

• The parent is responsible for what, when, where.
• The child is responsible for how much, and whether.

Fundamental to parents' jobs is trusting children to decide how much and whether to eat.  If parents do their jobs with feeding, children do their jobs with eating.

Parents' feeding jobs:

• Choose and prepare the food
• Provide regular meals and snacks
• Make eating times pleasant
• Show children what they have to learn about food and mealtime behavior
• Be considerate of children's food inexperience without catering to likes and dislikes
• Not let children have food or beverages (except for water) between meals and snack times
• Let children grow up to get bodies that are right for them

Children's eating jobs:

• Children will eat
• They will eat the amount they need
• They will learn to eat the food their parents eat
• They will grow predictably
• They will learn to behave well at mealtime.

By following these guidelines, you can learn to RELAX and ENJOY what should be an awesome time of the day.  MEALTIME!  Now let's go and eat some shaved ice!

My grandson eating his favorite flavor of shaved ice!

The louder you scream, the less you will be heard.

This is another fable I wrote.  I hope you enjoy the message.

Every morning the sun would come up and shine brightly throughout the land of Sunnyville. Farmers would be tilling the land preparing for the bounteous food crops.  You could smell the aroma of bacon being prepared for the breakfast meal.  Mother shouted, "Please come in and eat your breakfast before it gets too cold!"  So off we ran, my stomach empty, ready to eat my mother's scrumptious morning meal.

As we sat around the table, noticing the beautiful yellow flowers so precisely placed, I could hear a faint sound in the distance.  I looked out the window and much to my surprise, I saw on the telephone wire a very large blackbird.  It seemed that the blackbird wanted the attention of four small birds sitting nearby.  As I started to eat, I could hear the large blackbird saying,"CAW!  CAW!"  I would have kept eating, but the large blackbird kept screaming louder and louder!  I thought, "Why can't that huge blackbird be soft and quiet like the four small birds singing so quietly next to him?

The scene continued on for what seemed like forever.  Minute by minute I thought of how annoying the situation was becoming.  This loud screaming bird probably was waking every baby in town.  My breakfast had turned cold and it no longer tasted good.  What would happen next?

The four little birds decided they didn't want to hear Mr. Blackbird scream anymore.  The little birds flew away and never were seen again.  Finally, the blackbird decided that, "The louder you scream, the less you will be heard."

This awesome picture was drawn by my daughter Mariah when she was in 8th grade.  I love the details!

How do we curb our children's use of technology?

It happens in restaurants.  It happens in theaters. It happens while waiting in line at the DMV.  It happens at church.  I've even seen it happen at funerals!  People are using their technical devices everywhere! Why are we so fixated on our smart phones, i-pads, social media, computers, and gaming consoles?  Are we a generation becoming obsessed with our many technical devices? What do you think?

I recently read an article titled, How to raise grounded kids in a techno world.   According to this article, it helped me to understand that technology itself does not cause problems.  What's important is showing our kids how to use technology wisely.  Even though I would encourage you to read the article in it's entirety (click on the italicized link above),  I would like to paraphrase a few important factors from this article that might help us as parents rein in the madness of what appears as too much techno use today.  

How do we decide as a parent that too much use is too much use?  As a parent, sometimes I feel frustrated when I want to talk to one of my kids and it seems they constantly have their earplugs in listening to music or texting friends of an eternal list.  I want to say, "Can you give me 30 seconds to say something really fast before your head drops down and your eyes zero into the oblivion?"  According to Walker, "Appropriate technology use depends on the age of the child." I was surprised to read in the article that "for very young children no media was recommended at all."  And, "No more than two hours a day for both young children and even older children." So I ask you, "How much time do you allow your child to spend on technology?

If you want your children to use technology healthfully, Coyne suggests, "' [that] parents participate in their children's media use."  As a parent, I'm friends with all five of my kids on Facebook.  When they are below the age of 18, I know all of their passwords and have access their accounts. Also, along with their input, have set up rules and set limits as to how much time they can use their devices.  I've even heard of parents setting up specific contracts that must be followed in order to be a part of social media.  As parents we shouldn't feel like we're being nosy, but that we are protecting our children from a potential unhealthy situation.

Internet safety is a huge concern.  Walker suggests that we need to "prepare children before any issues occur."  I've always taught my children that if they see any inappropriate images to shut down the computer or device immediately.  I also want them to know that cyber bullying is unacceptable!  It's so important to communicate regularly with your child to know if this type of bullying might be happening to them.  We need to teach our children that whatever they post online can NEVER be retracted!  After they press the "send" button, as what may seem as an innocent photo or text to a child can unfortunately ruin many lives.  My mother would always say, "Once you toss a bag of feathers to the wind, you can never bring them all back."

As parents we need to realize that we are responsible in making sure our kids don't spend hours and hours a day using all these amazing devices.  Yes they are incredible and even educational but we must monitor usage, be involved in their media use, set rules and limits, communicate frequently, and educate them on how to properly use their smart phones, computers, or whatever might come their way.  Remember, common sense is sometimes the best intuition you will ever have!

Pressing the EASY button makes life hard.

While in college,  I was assigned to write five of my own personal fables.  These fables sum up how I feel about life.  They mean a great deal to me.  Here's the first one!

Everyone wanted to live in the land of Easy.  Everything was just that, easy.  Life had no challenges.  As a matter of fact, the hardest thing anyone had to do was wake up in the morning, look to the left and press the "easy" button that was sitting on the nightstand next to them.  When you pressed the easy button you could have anything you wanted; money, nice cars, a clean house, and even a degree from college.  Where did the easy button come from?  No one knew.  It just made life easy and everyone seemed to have one.

One morning, Fred, the Mayor of Easy, woke up and decided for some strange reason, that he was not going to press the easy button.  He wanted to be the first one to see what it was like to clean his room and take out the kitchen garbage, without the help of the easy button.  Fred found that working towards achieving an accomplishment made him feel good about himself.  He then took the next step and ventured out to get a job.  Because he studied the working ant in his Biology class before  his "easy button life", he decided that working an honest day and earning his own money is what made him truly happy.

Even though struggles and challenges began to be frequent without his daily easy button, he soon decided that hard work, complicated relationships, sickness, and even the death of his pet dog Buster, are what built the true foundation of his existence.  He knew that when he faced life's difficult trials and challenges without always looking for the easy path, his true character would be reached.  Finally, he thought to himself, "Pressing the easy button makes life hard."

HOW CAN WE PREVENT BULLYING?

Bullying can take place at home, school, or the workplace.  I can tell you personally that I was severely bullied as a child at school.  I remember being forced to give up my lunch and even switch out the clothes I was wearing so others could wear them!  I was threatened over and over that if I didn't comply, I would be beat up after school and that my long blonde braid would be cut off from my head!  I would grab my siblings and run home as fast as I could to prevent being physically abused.  At such a young age, I was scared to to death and at the same time afraid to tell anyone what was happening to me.  After two miserable years, I remember very well the day we moved from that town.  It was the happiest day of my life!

It certainly seems that most children whether at home or school have sustained some type of bullying.  Even though bullying has been a part of history, a recent surge has brought an outcry from parents, educators, and the community at large.  With these concerns in mind, two possible solutions in helping families that are influenced by the negative effects of bullying are to incorporate a positive parenting style with sound skills and become familiar with educational resources that will benefit families, schools, and the communities.

While attending college, I wrote a research paper titled, "Families and the Negative Impact of Bullying."   Below is an outline from this paper of the most important aspects we can follow to hopefully provide solutions in eliminating bullying forever!

First we need to understand that bullying is found in both cyber and traditional ways.  Even though physical abuse and relational abuse are the more traditional ways of bullying, cyber bullying through texting, social media, and email have a more negative effect on families than traditional bullying.

Two possible solutions in helping families combat the influences of bullying.

1.  To have a better parent-child interaction through positive parenting skills. 

• An authoritative parenting style (remember this is the best way to parent!)  is most productive in teaching positive social skills with peers as it features warmth and responsiveness, autonomy granting, establishing rules and setting limits.
• An authoritarian parenting style which includes coercive forms of verbal hostility and corporal punishment are correlated with children who display aggressive interactions with and are rejected by their peers.
• A permissive parenting style which allows the child to make their own decisions without parental guidance also have problem behaviors, disrespect others and are frustrated in general.
• Poor marital relationships can also cause child-parent relationships to strain and create internalizing and externalizing behaviors with children.     

Please remember that most bullying practices start in the home before the child ever enters school.  It's important that parents teach their children how to control their aggression. Most importantly, parents need to teach their children that bullying is unacceptable and not "a way of life."

2.  To have an educational solution that can provide opportunities in alleviating bullying in the home, school, and the community.

• Raising awareness helps to alleviate bullying.
• Whole school policies help to prevent bullying.
• Supervision in home and school help to prevent bullying.
• Social and curriculum programs can assist in reducing bullying.
• An educational concept is to discourage bullying in schools.

The implications found in this research are that teachers and professionals that work with bully victims might better understand that those who are victimized show that they need help in dealing with feelings, making friends, and how they interact.  The implications of positive parenting styles and skills show that children have positive social skills in dealing with their family and friends.

I hope we can all learn that bullying can have a negative life changing effect on the modern family. Also, that positive parenting styles and skills can encourage competent social skills with peers and that educational resources help to prevent bullying in the home, school, and the community.  As parents and educators we must stop bullying NOW!