What can we do to make our marriages work?

On January 2nd, I celebrate my 31st wedding anniversary.  Yep, I do!  Looking back on the last 31 years of my marriage I can certainly say that we've had both our ups and downs like any normal marriage would have.  We are also fortunate to have five children.  If you read in my "About Me" tab, you can come to know me and my family a little better.

Out of my five children, three are married.  The other day I was talking to my daughter Sarah and my son-in-law Jason who have been married for five years. I asked them what they thought makes for a strong marriage.  Some of their responses were as follows:  Being kind to one another, being faithful, giving service to each other, compromising, being generous, showing affection, being flexible and reasonable, being willing and giving, listening and communicating without interrupting each other, being honest, maintaining your appearance, praying together, having alone time apart, and learning the importance of "cutting the cord."  All these are ideas are fantastic and feel so blessed that Sarah and Jason are working together on building a strong family unit.  I can only hope that each of us will strive to have all of these ideas applied to our marriages.  Even after 31 years of marriage, I'm still learning to bind my marriage in eternal bliss!

Look how cute Sarah and Jason are!

It seems as though one of the occurrences of being married is having conflicts arise.  They seem to crop up every day. I strongly feel that one of the most important ways we can fortify our marriage is to resolve conflicts in a positive way.  Based on research from an article titled, "What makes Marriage Work?" by John Gottman, Ph.D., I would like cite information that I believe will help all of us continue to have a healthy and happy marriage.

According to Gottman, there are three different styles of problem solving that help marriages.

They are:

• Validating:  Couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.

• Volatile:  Conflict erupts often, resulting in passionate disputes.

• Conflict-avoiding:  Couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head-on.

According to research, "all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriage's future."  Even though there are many different ways we tend to solve problems, Gottman found that "there was a very specific ratio that exists between the amount of positivity and negativity in a stable marriage [and] that magic ratio is 5 to 1.  As long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction between husband and wife as their is negative, the marriage was likely to be stable over time."

Also, most of us would agree that communication is essential to a long lasting marriage.  According to Gottman, "there are four disastrous ways that sabotage your attempts to communicate with your partner."  Gottman has termed these four ways "The Four Horsemen."

• The First Horseman is Criticism.  So what is the difference between complaining and criticizing?  A complaint might be, "I wish you would help me clean the kitchen after dinner."  But criticizing is when you attack someone's personality or character and say,"You never help me clean the kitchen!"  Gottman states that, "It's important and healthy for a marriage to express anger and disagreement which will make the marriage stronger in the long run than suppressing the complaint. When criticism becomes so pervasive, it corrodes the marriage and then the next horseman arrives."

• The Second Horseman is Contempt.  So what is the difference criticizing and showing contempt?  "Contempt is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.  Some of the signs that your spouse is showing contempt are: Insults and name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language.  Sometimes when we show contempt we can't even remember a single or positive act of our spouse.  You have to stop seeing arguments with your spouse as a way to retaliate or exhibit your superior moral status."

• The Third Horseman is Defensiveness.  "If you are constantly being defensive, you are adding more problems to your marriage."  According to Gottman, signs that you are being defensive are: 

1. Denying Responsibility.  No matter what you are never to blame for anything.
2. Making Excuses.  You claim that external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way.
3. Disagreeing with Negative Mind-Reading.  Sometimes your spouse will make assumptions about your private life feelings behavior, or motives.  When this "mind-reading" is delivered in a negative manner, it may trigger defensiveness in you.
4. Cross-Complaining.  You meet your partner's complaint (or criticism) with an immediate complaint of your own, totally ignoring what your spouse has said.
5. Repeating Yourself.  Rather than attempting to understand what the spouse's point of view, couples simply repeat their position over and over again.  Both think they are right and that trying to understand each other's perspective is a waste of time.  

Gottman states that "What's important to remember is that if you view your partner's words as information that is being strongly expressed, they are less likely to criticize you or act react contemptuously when disagreements arise."

• The Fourth Horseman is Stonewalling.

One of the worst things we can do in communicating is to not communicate at all.  This is called stonewalling.  A study was done and found that "most men don't get physiologically aroused when their wives stonewall them, but wives' heart rates go up dramatically when their husbands stonewall them."  According to Gottman, "The fourth horseman need not mark the end of a relationship.  But if your interactions have deteriorated to this extent you are at great risk of catapulting even further down the marital cascade- becoming so overwhelmed by the negativity in your relationship that you end up divorced, separated, or living lonely, parallel lives in the same house." 

Let's not forget who we married.  Let's not forget our wedding day and the important vows we made to each other.  Even though times can be rather difficult, let's remember the love we have always had for our spouses and try to treat them with love, kindness, and respect.  Be willing to listen and learn.  Have compassion and understanding in times of need.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  I want to come back next year and say I've been married 32 years and hopefully say one day that I've been married for 75 years!  Finally, I must say that I have the most loving, kind, generous, strong, and the most good-looking husband on this planet!  I love you Brad...